


Even I Could Break

by rubysilk98



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-lawsuit, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 10:42:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11378547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubysilk98/pseuds/rubysilk98
Summary: Even the strongest person could break damn easily if you constantly hit him and left him unconcerned.





	1. Chapter 1

 

4.8k words

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Everyone knew who Kim Junmyeon was. “The leader of EXO” “Without Kim Junmyeon, EXO is nothing”. That’s what they kept on saying. Of course Suho felt grateful for that. Being labeled the core of EXO, but was that the far as he can go? Anyone can be a leader. You just need to know the right way to lead, to be selfless and to take one for the team. Maybe some people can’t do that but if you are given the task of a leader, it’s natural to have that feeling of carrying everyone’s burden with yours.

Sometimes Suho thought to himself, _is that all?_ Was his role only a leader?

His goal before debut was to be a singer. To achieve his dreams and it’s completely normal for idols to wish for solo activities years after their debut. For Suho, being on television was enough. He desired to be remembered, to leave a legacy.

Many people knew him as the person who trained for 7 years. That long training period, there are expectations stamped on Suho to be the perfect idol.

7 years was a very long time for him. He spends his youth in the training room, looking at his close friends debuted before him. Sure he felt bitter but he has more years ahead of him, he thought. Then……7 years pass by.

 

Disappointed.

 

Was he not good enough? He’d been cage in for years. Training, sweating, crying and _living_ in the training room. Years of practicing to be better day by day, was he still not enough?

 _It’ll be worth it_. That’s what he told himself every day. Non-stop. His friends called him crazy for being so dedicated. The thing was, even if he debut, it wasn’t guaranteed that his group will be a hit like their _sunbaes_.

“Is this the best you can do? Did you really try your hardest?” he mumbled to himself.

Later when debuts, he achieved a lot of great things. His group to be exact. They went from being disapproved by people in 2012 and rose up to be one of the best in Korea and internationally. It was funny really, some people looked up to him and some people did the opposite. He remembered in 2014 when the first lawsuit came. He had to take full responsibility. Even he acknowledged his wrong doing for not taking care of everyone but what had him _really_ in despair was one of his crying shoulder had disappear.

Kris or what he prefers to call him off camera as Yifan was not just a co leader. He was a place where Suho could lean on completely, where it was okay to ask for help, where he knew the worries; the burdens he carries on can be shared with him. When Suho first heard that there will be two leaders, he was quite skeptical about it, but he soon grows to love the idea. Like fans said, they were the father and the mother of the group. They needed each other.

But not everything goes as they please. Promises are meant to be broken. It started with him, followed by Luhan and soon Tao. He couldn’t really blame the three because even the fans knew their company was ruthless and wasn’t very decent at managing. The only thing that kept aching whenever he was reminded of Kris was the fact that he left just like that. Or maybe the fact that he left _him_ just like that without someone to lean on.

Things can’t just end there. He is the leader, for God sake! Everyone was lost after three lawsuits. He reminded himself, _this is who you are_. _This is your fate. You trained 7 fucking years to be a leader, to lead the youngsters and Minseok for a better future_ and he did. That is why he was looked up by the fans. That is why everyone knew him. They were the group that fell apart so easily but also the group who manage to get up as easy as they fall.

That was one of the wonder being a leader. But was that the _only_ thing he is capable of? 10 years from now, no one is going to keep repeating “Suho is a good leader”. No one is going to keep mentioning the same old thing you did back in 2014. He trained 7 years and we’re talking about training vocals, dancing, acting all it is there to be an idol.

But….He knows his place. Even though he trained for a long time, the moment he saw Chen, who had not received any training lesson from the company, manage to sweep everyone off their feet in the training room. That was something that even took him years of vocal lessons, but still getting told it wasn’t good enough.

“I’ll do harder.” He said to himself. “I might not be the best but I’ll do my best”. And so he did.

Same applied to dancing. He knew in his group, he wasn’t even close to be in the dance line. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun however, who had amazing vocals surprisingly improve so much in dancing. Even in 2016, people consider Baekhyun as the dance line. He did felt jealous for a bit. Amazing vocals, amazing visual, amazing dance skills. Something he had been trying to achieve but who is he kidding?

He knew.

He fucking knew that fans had said the way he danced was quite awkward. Especially when he danced to Playboy next to Sehun in Manila and he cringed after watching the fancams. Even his face was weird whenever he sings. He tried to improve himself, and thankfully fans noticed his expression is getting better. Even though just a little bit.

No one can explain the greed in him. The greed to do better. The greed to be remembered by his talent. Years later, he wants his talent to be recognized. Although…he did know, his vocal and dancing skill was lacking despite the 7 years of training.

When he got the opportunity to be in the movie Glory Day, he was ecstatic. He couldn’t sleep thinking that this opportunity, he must give his best to prove to everyone that he not only has leadership skills, but he also have talent in other things in the entertainment industry.

And when he was told that his part in the movie was quite short and just a few scenes, he doesn’t care because at least this was a start. He should begin somewhere right? He kept on practicing day and night, with the help of Sehun and encouragements from the members and he felt thankful for that.

One thing everyone should know is that, Suho doesn’t break easily. Not once since debut he cried to his members because of problems he had to face with the company; mostly problems that leader had to worry. This was because he was used to pour his problems out to Kris but ever since the latter left, he couldn’t share the burden with anyone..

The members had many things to worry about and looking at their tired face, how can Suho put more weight on their burden? He thought that maybe it was enough for him to hold the burden to himself. He sometimes did tell Minseok about his worries but he felt like he shouldn’t show the troubling side of him to the other members.

It’s not that he doesn’t wants to appear weak in front of the members, it’s just that if a leader shows how troubled his mind is, the youngsters would reluctant to go to him for any problems; afraid in adding more problems to the leader.

So he does his best to not show his worries to their members. It was fine though. He was used to it. People don’t break easily. Until recently…….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The day Chen got back from Radio Star. Everyone had asked Chen how it went.

“Was it fun?”

“Did he say something mean about us?”

“You didn’t get attacked right?”

 The members knew Kim Gura is a ruthless person and it is his job to ask those sensitive questions that other MCs won’t dare to ask. Suho had hope Chen didn’t get any harsh comments from Kim Gura. Even so, he was sure if Chen did get some harsh comments, it will not get to Chen easily.

However, when all the members asked Chen about Kim Gura, Suho noticed that Chen kept on glancing at him every now and then. Not only that, the way he explained his experience on the show was kind of brief and timid. He could only shrugged it off and wait for the broadcast of the episode.

It was his idea later on to gather everyone and watch the show together. “To strengthen their bond and spend quality time with each other” he had said. So, all nine of them sat in front of the tv to watch the episode. Chen kept on insisting that it was unnecessary to watch it together, giving the reason that everyone was tired, even Lay was dozing off at the couch. But Minseok had said otherwise and no one could argue with the eldest _hyung_. Still, it’s a wonder why Chen was fidgeting a lot and not to mention the frowning boy kept holding and stroking his hand as if he was trying to comfort Suho.

After a few minutes into the episode, he got his answer.

It is said that they originally invited Suho, but Kim Gura had insist Suho is a boring person.

 _Ouch_........

 It would be a lie if he didn’t feel a slight ache in his heart. It wasn’t the first time too that people had called him a boring person. That’s one of the reason as to why he did the Vapp ‘The Funniest Member’

It didn’t bother Suho that much until they read the CD counts sold in China. Chen, who was sitting beside him shifted a little and Suho knew it’s because Chen felt uneasy and somehow, Suho had an idea it must be related to him. After all, the manager had once said that he had the lowest CD sales.

The MCs revealed that Suho did possessed the lowest CD sales and that was with a total of 400 CDs sold in China. Everyone’s eyes went wide because they didn’t expect the sales to be _that_ low. 400 over 1 million? His grip on the coffee cup suddenly became tighter.

_“Suho has no popularity!”_

Those words sting like a thousand knives had passed through him. What added the salt to his wound was that all the members looked at him with that _look_. That look of pity. He didn’t deserve it. Why is everyone feeling pity for him?! His heart ached and he was starting to believe that maybe he really was wasn’t enough.

 _“I want to take care of Suho hyung.”_ Chen had said in the interview, catching everyone’s attention once again to the TV and Suho thought Chen was trying to turn the atmosphere there.

_“So the 1200 CD count is going to take care of 400 CD count?”_

_“SUHO should take care of himself”_ Kim Gura had deadpan.

No words can describe the fire, the pain inside his heart. But most of all, the disappointment he felt towards himself. He was the leader and yet, he was the last reason for EXO to be famous, he thought. Everyone was silent as they don’t know what to say. They knew how Suho was, they knew every single word that came out from anyone’s mouth about his well being as an idol, and the leader will take it to heart.

Suho could hear the crack in his heart and the tears that were threatening to fall but no, he doesn’t break easily, or at least he thought so. All eyes on him as he stood up and went to his room after smiling, assured the members that this small thing won’t affect him easily.

To summarize up he had a really sleepless night. Maybe not the worst but it was almost as bad. The voice in his head kept telling that this is just another difficulty that he had to take in hand. So he did what he had to do as a punishment for his failure and to improve himself; he practiced and practiced.

To Suho, life is a long run where you don’t stop pushing yourself and try your hardest. What you work is what you get. He believed in that. Though, most of his individual work for years until now weren’t really showing, but maybe later in the future, he believed. He _forced_ himself to believe because what else can he say to himself? What other reason does he console himself with despite knowing he is not good enough in the eye of the public?

Every fucking day, he practice and practice in order to be a better him but whenever he is close to think that he is better, he is being shove back to his shell thinking he is still far away.

Suho wanted to feel better. So, he went to the company’s room where they had many computers that can be used. The thing that he created out of nowhere was ‘the funniest member in exo’. It was just an attempt really. Sehun had commented once that he is funny and should do his own show.

Maybe, Sehun had just meant it as a joke or probably to make Suho feel better but he liked that idea. In fact, he _liked_ it very much. The possibility to be found cool by other idols sounds pleasant, and not to mention that he is known for his ‘granpa’ personality.

Typing eagerly on the keyboard, he searched his name in naver and tried to look for article where he did the live V-app. Due to their busy schedules, he never had the chance to read the comments, so he was feeling quiet excited. The comments started off with nice and encouraging words how some said;

`“Suho oppa is so funny~”`

`“This brightens my day”`

But as he scrolls down, he realized most are actually mix of both. Some had said it wasn’t funny. Most had say it is funny _not_ because he was naturally funny, because of his failed attempt on being funny that actually looked embarrassing. Suddenly, Suho’s mood went down the drain.

Maybe it was his intention to be 20% embarrassing but judging from the comments, it looks like he was120% embarrassing. “It’s okay..At least they had a good laugh” he mumbled to himself. But soon, the words of assurance were pointless as he read them telling him to stop. Some even mentioned that they preferred other members to do the funniest member sketch instead of him. He frowned thinking that he had made a fool of himself.

 _Do people really want me to stop?_ He thought. No! He shook his head. There were some good comments. _This is just…a normal…thought..from…majority..of their fans.._

 _Majority_..

What else was there to say? He was just an embarrassment. They way he sings was already enough to prove his ugly face and also the way he cries. That’s why he had never cried in public ever again. He gets it a lot. It’s not his first time! People kept telling him his flaws and even fans make fun for it. Even it started as a joke but he was so sick and tired of trying his best to improve but to be hit constantly with a remark that manage to eat him away.

The pain in his heart was too much. His eyebrows started furrowing as he punched his chest with his fist, in hoping for the ache in his heart to go away as fast as possible. Without him realizing and wanting, a tear rolled down his cheek as he bites his lips, preventing him to shout in frustration.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Days go by and without him realizing, his second tour was about to end. However, he wouldn’t be getting enough rest because he had more movie promotions to attend. It’s fine though, he thought. At least, his dream to be an actor was paid off. Even though the role he had wasn’t really big, sometimes he wonders why he is promoting as if his role was as big as the main. Maybe they’re using him, who knows but Suho couldn’t really care about it. Their schedules were really hectic to the point Suho felt numb; he doesn’t have the time to feel sad about something.

One thing that’s good was that he had many job opportunities like in magazines, interviews. Sometimes he wished he could rest but this will benefit him so he doesn’t really have a say in it.

In one of his interviews, a question was asked for him if he wanted to do a solo album.

_Oh!_

 He was definitely interested. To release an album is one of his dreams; he prefers it to be a ballad since his voice is rather soft and smooth. He gave his thoughts on releasing a solo album how he does hope one day to release one. Of course, out of all members, Chanyeol and Lay should release their albums first before him. Both of them had great compositions of songs and how their album would be award winning worthy.

Meanwhile, he needed to practice more. Maybe he could learn how to compose quality songs from both of them with the help of his good friend, Jonghyun.

A few days later, he wondered if any of his fans were putting him and solo album in a sentence. _I wonder what fans are thinking about my solo album_. Feeling all giddy in the inside, heplanted himself on his bed after full day practice. He proceeded to grab his ipad on the nightstand and browsed the internet for any articles related to him.

After scrolling, he didn’t get that much from the _netizens_. Maybe they don’t really care, he frowned. But he did not stop there. His basic knowledge in English Language had helped him in the world of kpop entertainment articles on Twitter such as allkpop, Soopmi and Koreaboo.

As far as he knew, allkpop has the most followers, he assumed it was the most reliable one. One article had caught his attention and that was _“EXO's Suho expresses interest in a solo album!”_

He read the article and he felt his heart blooms at the article for being well-written. However, he spotted the comment section and went to scroll down. _Just a few scrolls_ , he said but later on, he wished he hadn’t.

 

He really wished he hadn’t.

 

His ears grew red because of the frustration in his heart as he threw his ipad on the bed and screamed in his pillow. No one was there to hear. No one should. This is his burden. This is his fault for not being better. This is all on him for not meeting the public’s expectation!

 _Do you feel hurt inside? You deserve it for not doing your hardest,_ he talked to himself. But another voice in his head was screaming _I fucking did but it’s not working!_ He begun wiping his tears furiously with his sleeve, and stormed to the practice room (again).

He locked the door and neared the stereo where he started to play their songs. _I can do better_! _I know I can!_ He grabbed one of the microphones that trainees and idols used to practice their vocals; he sang his heart out only to stop when he felt like his voice is a disgrace. _No! Sing better!_ He start singing again, more passionately until he saw his reflection and his face doesn’t look pleasant at all _. Dammit! Control your face!_ His frustration was fuelling more and more as he messed up even more.

Out of pure dissatisfaction, he threw the microphone and started to cry his heart out again. He felt weak and pathetic. Out of anger too, he took out his phone harshly and start to read the comments from the article again.

 

` _“ imatroll: LOL! Why? He can't sing. He most certainly is the worst dancer in EXO and he's hardly cute. Plus he looks like he likes dudes.”_ `

` _“ daebak1598: Tbh, there are other members in EXO that are more talented that should (and probably will) receive solo albums before Suho does.”_ `

` _“ Darkyoda47: Lol that wouldn't be fair. Suho can barely sing his short lines live and now he wants a solo album? He should focus on honing his skills and keeping EXO together for another 3 years.”_ `

` _“ sweetpumpkin: No,no,no,,please no,,dont release solo, just ficus being the leader. 3 already leftm,do you some more to leave,”_ `

` _“ Maggie: He is a super nice guy, but he really doesn't excel in any one particular aspect. Looking at the SM soloists so far. I don't think he is ready to have a solo album.”_ `

 

For long throbbing hours, the man practiced alone in that practice room, ignoring the calls on his phone.

And also the tears that were non-stop flowing on his red cheeks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There were days where he was back to his old cheery self. The members definitely helped in making him forget about all his worries and insecurities. That’s the beauty of having a family. But, not everything you share with your family. Not everything you have to share it to someone.

And for Suho, no one should feel the weight of his insecurities. He stood nearby the window in his shared room with Sehun. Sehun is the youngest, yet he knew, he suspected that something kept bothering Suho. It’s not like he can force Suho into telling him. Suho was a man of his words.

Sometimes, Suho wished his relationship with a certain blond man isn’t rocky. He wished that even though they are no longer breathing the same air, the least they could do was keep in touch or have small chat about their own problems. There’s no specific reason as to why he felt so, it is just that Suho was already used to Kris’ presence before they even debut. Kris knew a lot of things that are deep within his heart.

To the eyes of the fans, they didn't look very close in front of the cameras. In fact, even behind cameras they rarely stick to each other. But to him, Kris can relate to him much more than everyone does. Kris understood him the best and even though there were no solutions to his problems, Kris made him felt like it was okay and everything was going to be alright.

He guessed maybe that’s why he felt so angry, so betrayed when Kris left him to the point that he had cussed at Kris. Needless to say that was almost two years ago. He didn't know if he still hated him or the feeling had faded as time goes by. The only thing he was certain right now was he wished that the tall blond male is by his side.

He gripped his phone tighter. He had thought about asking Luhan, who he still kept in touch with, for the latter’s number. But being the coward he was, he decided against it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One sleepless night, he felt so lonely without Sehun. The younger was busy filming his new drama. On their usual nights, Sehun and Suho would just lie down in the dark and talk about random things, nothing too personal before sleep took conscious of them. But without Sehun’s presence, he felt forlorn for some reason.

Because of that, his insecurities came swooshing in his heart and mind. Taking a breath and deciding to distract his mind elsewhere, he searched an article online about him, in hoping to feel good about himself again.

He however found an article about him and his acting. Although his intentions were to make himself feel better but somehow he doubted this article would make him feel so. Nonetheless, he clicked the article with a shaking thumb.

 

He was right.

 

He shouldn’t have.

 

The article from m.hankooki said that there are many criticisms that Suho's acting didn't meet expectations.

 

_Waah. Unbelievable._

He trained for 7 fucking years and enrolled in Korea National University of Arts Theater and yet…….. He still……wasn’t enough.

_This is too much.._

All…he wanted to do…was do better…To be known for his talent. He wanted to release a solo album, some fans are against it. He wanted to dance, but he couldn’t even dance without looking fucking awkward. He thought maybe he was good at acting…He was wrong. Maybe all this while, he was wrong. Maybe he is talentless after all. Maybe ALL THOSE FREAKING YEARS HE TRAINED AND DEBUT……was just a pity spot from SM.

He gave out a laugh that sounds too pathetic. _Then, should I have just given up from the start?_ Was even becoming an idol, is his fate and destiny liked he believed? Maybe that long trainee period was a fucking sign from SM to just give up his dreams. _Wow_ , was he the only one that believed in his self? Did everyone have a good laugh looking at him trying his best but never succeed? He guessed the people were right, he thought he was the core of the group when actually he is the black hole. Took him out, what difference does it makes?

He hated this. He hated himself. There was a glance of hope in believing himself. He just needed an assurance. _No, not the members._ He stood up from the bed and begun furiously typing someone’s name in his contact and rings him. He just needed to talk to him. _Just please, this time._

_“Hello?”_

“ Lu-Luhan?” he tried to voice out but ended up sounding hoarse. There’s no way Luhan could’ve not guessed he’d been crying.

_“Hey, what’s wrong , Suho? It’s late. Are you okay?”_

“I-I’m not..I just..I just need Yifan.” He sighs.

The line was quiet for a moment and Suho knows that he is hesitating. _“ I don’t think he would want me to give you his number, Junmyeon. Please, you could talk to me.”_

“Please, Luhan. I’m not oka-” At this rate, he doesn’t care about his voice anymore. The more he held in, the more painful he felt. Which was why he ended up sobbing loudly into the line, sending a wave of panic to Luhan.

_“Okay..Okay..I’ll send it to you. Junmyeon..Don’t cry, please?”_

“I’ll..try”

 

After receiving Kris’ number from Luhan, his heart was thumping against his chest so rapidly, as if he could almost hear it. Oh God, maybe he is out of his mind. He sniggered. Even after all these damn years, he still thought he could find assurance in Kris.

_How stupid does that sound?_

But he couldn’t care less; he just wants someone to listen to his worries that had been bubbling inside of him. Suho thought if he held it any longer, he would snap. He would completely break and for the love of God he didn’t want that to happen. His eyes fluttered close as he brought his phone near his ear. He held his breath throughout the line rang. After a few rang, he heard the same old deep voice that he had been yearning for..

_“Hello.”_

“…”

_“Look, if this is a prank I will block you, goodnight”_

“W-wait! It’s me..” he stuttered.

_“Who?”_

“Kim…Junmyeon” he whimpered out. The line went silent for a while and Suho prayed that Kris was still with him. After a while, he heard the same voice again but with a trace of venom in it. _“The nerve you have to call me. What do you want?”_

“Yi-Yifan, listen.I- I ….just want you to talk…A-And .. That’s- that’s all..Comfort me or anything, please....” Despite his wavering voice, Kris who was caught off guard by Suho’s call; was too deluded in his ego and displeased to actually consider the smaller’s wavering voice.

_“Do you think this is a joke? Calling me at this hour? After all those months I tried to reach you and all you did was cursed at me, and now you want to talk?”_

“N-No, please. I need-”

_“What you need to do right now is to leave me alone! Damn it Junmyeon! You can’t just suddenly call me tonight and ask me to— you know what, I’m not tolerating anymore. Goodnight.”_

“Yifan!” the leader cried out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s it. He was all alone. He didn’t want to break. But right at that moment, he wrapped his arms around his knees as he finally let himself cried out loud. All those years of enduring the pain, the insecurities, he lets it all out by screaming in frustration and punching the wall. He wished he was numb. He wished feeling doesn’t exist. He wished… he hadn’t feel like a broken doll.

And that was the day, Suho finally broke.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

a/n: One thing I would want to clarify though. **The Radio Star interview,allkpop article, and** **m.hankooki article** are based on **true events**. That was the translation of what the MCs had said about Suho on Radio Star .. Big thanks to @hyoyeonsubs2 for the translations, do follow that acc on twitter! Also the comments abt Suho’s solo album were really the comments on the allkpop article, you can check the comment section on the article as well as m.hankooki article. My heart was breaking when I wrote this because I wished this was not what Suho had felt when all these things happened. But I tried to make it feel as real as possible ahaha what do you guys think? The next shot will be up soon and it will be from a third person point of view. Some of you may have already read this on aff ^^

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

7.8k words

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Sehun went home straight after his filming ended. His original plan for tonight was to sleep in a hotel nearby since they were filming at a location that was 3 hours away from their dorm. But Sehun had plea his manager to bring him back to the dorm. Throughout the journey, all he can think of was his leader who Luhan had said to be in a not-so-good condition. During his filming break, he got a call from the older.

_“Sehun, I’m worried. Can you please check on Suho? I don’t think he is in a good condition…”_

Sehun furrowed his eyebrows together, confused “But I’m in the middle of filming, hyung. I don’t think I can go home now. Why though?”

 _“Uhm…just call anyone at dorm to check on him. Sehun, please just do as I say.”_ Luhan pleaded the younger. Sehun was still confused, but the anxiousness in Luhan’s tone was affecting him too. “Is he sick? Wait, how come you’re the one telling me this? Did he call you?”

_“Yeah…..He did…”_

“And……?”

Luhan said nothing for a brief moment until he finally sighed on the line.“ _He was crying…”_

His soul almost left his body when he heard that Suho was crying. And not just to anyone, to Luhan. “Did you just say he was crying??!”

_“But Sehun…that’s not all. He called me, asking for Yifan’s number. And when I refused he… starts to cry and it sounded so painful --dear God, are you sure he is okay? Lately?”_

“……” Sehun was silent, his jaw almost dropped to the ground as he sank in what the latter had told him. What was it that had Suho to search for Yifan? A year ago, Suho would have flinched whenever anyone mentioned Yifan.

_“Sehun..?”_

“I’ll check on him tonight. Thank you, hyung for telling me.”

_“I thought I have to. You’re the closest to understanding him. Take care of him, okay?”_

“Will always.”

 

He couldn’t think of it. He couldn’t think of any reason why would Suho call Kris. All these years, he had always pretended that Kris didn’t exist. When the lawsuit first revealed, members were prohibited to talk to Kris. Some of their phones were even confiscated by their managers and they were forced to unfollow him on Instagram.

However, the situation became less strict when Luhan left. Maybe it was the fact that Luhan left in a less troubled way, but still it hurts nonetheless. At later points, the managers and management allowed them to keep in touch with the past members. Everyone had mixed feeling about their new given freedom. It was a decision whether should they contact Kris or not?

The members knew that Kris had been trying to reach them back then but their management had cut off any possibilities to interact with him. Since they were given freedom now, should they contact him? The EXO-M members quickly contacted Kris despite having a little anger towards him, but their bonds are stronger and eventually, Kris was okay with everyone.

Except…with Suho….

Sehun knew that Suho had never forgiven Kris. Not even one bit. He refused to join the members whenever they talked about Kris. Some members like Kyungsoo and Chanyeol didn’t talk to Kris either, but they all know that both of them didn’t mind or hold grudges anymore. As for Suho, that’s a different story.

He sees the sadness in Suho’s eyes every time the name ‘Kris’ was mention even though he was trying to smile. For a few months, Kris was trying to be in Suho’s good side, Sehun saw the endless calls on Suho’s phone. Even the members had tried to coax Suho into stop holding onto the past but it was all in deaf ears for Suho.

Suho had said he didn’t mind that everyone is in good terms with Kris. But, he will not be in such terms, to what reason Sehun honestly does not know. No one really pressed further anyway.

 

 

When he reached his dorm, he sprinted up to his room as fast as lightning. He had tried to call Kyungsoo to check on him, but the latter didn’t pick up his phone, as well as the other members. Some went out and some were sleeping he assumed.

The moment he twisted the door knob open, he spotted Suho who was lying on the ground beside their bed. His heart broke into million pieces when the image of Suho came into his view. The older slept in a curled position and as he neared, he can see the tear stains on his cheeks. Slowly bringing his hand to the leader’s cheek, he softly caressed the rosy pink skin and sighed. Suho must have held in his frustrations and depressions. Why can’t Suho just share some of his problems with him instead? Sehun is always there to listen, why can’t Suho trust him? Instead…why did he go to Kris? It still doesn’t make any sense.

Carefully, he snaked his arms under Suho’s sleeping body and lifted him up on their shared bed. Suho shifted a little in his sleep as Sehun tucked his blanket until it covers most of Suho’s body.

_Should I ask him tomorrow? I should but……what if hyung doesn’t want me too?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Somewhere in China, a tall male with a black hair had been feeling restless. Why? Because he just had the shock of his life. He didn’t think that Suho would contact him. In fact, he thought it was nearly impossible for such occurrence. What made him angry was that the audacity Suho had to ask him for comfort. What kind of _bullshit_ is that?

For a man who had been avoiding him like a plague for months, he sure did have some guts. Who gave Suho his number anyway? Was it Luhan? But every EXO members have his number. Except for Suho, since the younger had blocked him. Still, he felt like Suho was the most egoistic and hypocritical person that had walk on earth.

His train of thought was cut off by the sound of his phone ringing.

_`Luhan`._

“Hello?”

“ _Oh thank God you answer!”_ Luhan groaned on the line. Kris glanced at the time on his phone and it’s already 3 in the morning. Why would Luhan call him at this hour? “What’s up?”

“ _I know it’s late_ _but_ _I was just wondering if Suho had called you. Did he_?” As soon as he hears the question, his annoyance was growing again in him. So it was Luhan who gave Suho his number, he deadpanned.

 “Why the hell would you give him my number? Didn’t I say I don’t want to have any relation with him?! Can’t believe you-”

“ _Hold on! So he did called you?!”_ Luhan’s voice was growing intense and raised an octave.

“Of course he did and can you believe what he said to me? He wants me to comfort him and Luhan for someone who had-” Kris hissed only to be cut off by Luhan again. _“Wu Yi Fan! Please tell me you didn’t make things worse.”_

He furrowed his eyebrow. “Things worse as in….?”

 _“What did you say to him? I swear to God you better not lie to me now, Kevin Wu.”_ Luhan threatened and Kris gulped as he can sense the irate in Luhan’s voice. Automatically, he felt a wave of panic transferring to him. “I….told him to not bother me…?” Kris said unsurely.

The line went silent for a few seconds until…

 

 

 _“LEE JIA HENG WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!”_ Luhan screams into the phone and Kris had to pull away from his phone in risk of hurting his ears. “ _LISTEN TO ME, KRIS WU YOU BETTER CALL HIM NOW OR I SWEAR I WILL—”_

“For the love of God, Luhan, stop mentioning all of my names. And stop screaming, do you want me deaf? For the record, he started all these feuds so why are you angry at me?” he whined, pouting.

The line went silent again and Kris was still not getting what was happening. First, Suho had called him. Then, Luhan did the same and shouting at him about Suho. It doesn’t help him either that it was freaking 3 in the morning.

After a few seconds, Luhan sighed for the nth time. _“Yifan…. Junmyeon.. I don’t think he is well.”_

“What do you mean by that?” he questioned.

“ _He was crying at me asking for your number. I refused and he cried harder, so I gave him your number, thinking that it would be the right choice. I thought you would comfort him, not this!”_

“Luhan, which part of ‘me and Suho aren’t in good terms’ do you not understand?”

_“Wu Yi fan, listen to what I just said! Suho. Was. Crying. Hard. At. ME” Luhan retorted, emphasizing the last word._

“So what? Everyone cries when they have problem. Suho too cries when he felt……… _Oh_ …….”

“ _FUCKING finally!”_ Luhan surrendered.

“………Oh…..I see…..I….have to go” Kris whispered before hanging up.

 

 

What had he done? He screwed up. Clutching his phone tighter, he felt so much guilt building in him as if he had been a criminal. Kris remembered one thing.

 

Suho never cries to anyone about his problems.

 

He thought after he left, Suho would open up his problems to the members, or even to Sehun who was the closest to him but Sehun had said that Suho had never told him any of his worries regarding himself.

Some of the problems he shared were always just a small problem that could be easily solved by discussing as group. But he remembered Sehun telling him that Suho doesn’t cry anymore, except for watching a sad movie.

To hear those statements, Kris was puzzled. That was nothing like what Kris had expected. Sure, he was the shoulder that Suho love to lean on. Suho would always tell his worries to Kris, and boy, Suho had so many worries that he tends to over-think them. Being a good friend, he would listen to the boy’s problem and helped him.

At first when they were given the task as leaders, it was hard for both of them. They were awkward to express their feelings and doubts to each other. But eventually, things got better and he found that Suho is actually a good company for him. Even though they don’t seem close, but he knows that Suho understood him the most and vice versa. As they spend more years with each other, both of them had grown fond of each other. Suho said that he doesn’t want to share his individual worries with others because as a leader, he shouldn’t add more burden to them. Kris thought the opposite but if Suho doesn’t feel comfortable talking with the members then he was all ears.

That was until he filed the lawsuit. The hardest thing was to leave the members especially EXO-M who looked up to him as a leader but at the end, he failed them. And Suho….He had told the maknae, Sehun to take care of the leader, to replace him for Suho when he is gone. But he guess, that didn’t work.

Thinking even deeper, Suho must have a reason for wanting Kris to be the one comforting him. Why didn’t he go to his members? It must have been so bad that he chose Kris, someone he despised, to comfort him…. _What have I done?_

Immediately, Kris searched back for the number that had called him and pressed the call button. “Come on, Junmyeon. Pick up the phone. Come on!” he mumbled to himself while tapping his foot nervously.

 

_“This is the mailbox to the num-”_

Darn it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shifting on his bed, his mind was fuzzy and THE pain in his head was throbbing in early morning. His hand started roaming, looking for his phone on the bed. And that’s when he realized that HE WAS ON THE BED. He quickly opened his eyes and to add in more surprises, Sehun was sleeping beside him while holding his other hand.

Suho blinked a few times, trying to figure it out whether his brain was playing a trick on him. He remembered Sehun had told him that he would sleep somewhere in Busan since it’s too far from the dorm. Plus, he had to resume filming in the evening.

The body beside him let out a groan and slowly, Sehun opened his eyes.

“You’re awake, hyung?” he mumbled while taking out his phone under the pillow to look at the time. Their hands were still clasped together.

“I didn’t know that you came home. I thought you had late night filming.” Suho answered while trying to sit up.

“Luhan called. He said I need to be there with you.” Sehun said warily as he positioned himself to sit too. His lips were pressed into a thin line, not sure whether should he bring it up or not. “He also mentioned Kris”

Suho stiffened as soon as he heard the name, and Sehun noticed this.

_He knew?_

The leader wasn’t able to look at the _maknae_ in the eye, feeling ashamed suddenly for whatever reason, he does not know. Sensing the latter’s discomfort; he tugged Suho’s hand forward, bringing Suho closer to him as the older looked up to meet his gaze.

“ _Hyung_ , I know I can never replace Yifan hyung to be your shoulder to cry on but _please_ , I beg you. Don’t do this alone. You have me and the other members, and …if you are hurting please tell me. Yifan hyung, he…….he told me to take care of you. Even Luhan said that too…..But how can I when I don’t even know when _you_ are having a hard time and it pains me.”

Sehun eyes were literally begging, looking like a kicked puppy. It seemed like Suho was still in a daze as he continue to gaze into Sehun’s eyes. It was Suho who broke their eye contact first and bit his lips. He was mentally fighting with himself whether he should open up to Sehun or not. But Sehun had other things to worry about, he thought. The younger was having a movie in the making and Suho can’t just distract him because of his stupid, foolish and pathetic insecurities.

In the end, he only mumbled out a soft ‘ _I’ll try.’_

 Heaving a sigh, Sehun was clearly not satisfied with Suho’s answer, but however he decided not to push him any further. Instead, he leaned forward and planted a kiss on Suho’s temple. (an affectionate gesture that Sehun always do to Suho)

“Promise me you will.” He whispered, earning a nod from Suho.

For a few minutes, they only sat in a comfortable silence while Sehun childishly played with Suho’s fingers, until they were alarmed by Sehun’s phone. Their manager had called Sehun to get dressed for his next filming, and Suho’s pretty sure, his manager wasn’t quite pleased with Sehun for the change of plans last night.

Sehun stood up and gave Suho a smile before disappearing into the toilet. The smile on Suho’s face soon faltered after Sehun was no longer in sight. What Sehun does not know was that…Suho can no longer feel his heart. No, he was not turning heartless, he just can’t bring himself to be in that painful situation again, he just wants to forget everything.

He felt like trash, a cup that will never be enough even after how many efforts were poured in it. At the end, he finally believed how _worthless_ he was actually.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“WU YIFAN!”

Yifan winced at the harsh tone of his manager and for the angels in the Heavens, why won’t people stop shouting his name. The chair creaked when Yifan leaned back, clearly unbothered by his manager’s wrath.

“There is no way I’m letting you board this plane. Do you have any idea what you will encounter?!” his manager, who was barely his height; slammed his hand on the table between them.

“I’m still going.” Yifan firmly stated.

“EXO is going to be in the same airport the minute you land there. Get it in your thick skull that your lawsuit isn’t settled yet and that pain in the ass company will shit on us if you come any near them. Do you understand?!”

However, Yifan was still stubborn to his manager’s words. “ _Ge_ , I won’t get caught, I promise! The members will help me. Come on, please? You won’t hear or read any article regarding me the next day, I assure you!”

There was a silence before his manager grunt, a sign of giving in and Kris mentally fist up in victory. “There better be no news the next day, Yifan. If I receive a call from that darn company enraging about you, you’re _gonna_ get it,Yifan.”

“I got that.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Listen kids, your flight will be here in a few minutes. If you really need to go to the washroom, or buy any food, go now before they call us. Yes, I’m talking to you Chanyeol, and take Jongin with you, he had been whining about chicken in the airport since forever.” Suho calmly said while handing out the members’ plane tickets. Even after 4 years, he still acts like the ‘mother’ of the group, taking care of his baby chicks.

“Hyung..” The baby of the group suddenly called out..

“ _Hmm_?”

“Can you come with me? I don’t want to go to the toilet alone.” he gave his infamous pout that no one especially Suho can deny. “ _Aigooo_ our baby of the group. Come let _Baekhyunnie_ hyung accompany you to the toilet.” Baekhyun cooed while latching himself onto Sehun.

Rolling his eyes, Sehun unattached Baekhyun from himself and stride behind Suho only to pull the latter in a back hug. “I want to go with Suho hyung not you. Chanyeol hyung, please collect this short kid.” he angled his chin up to Baekhyun’s direction.

“ _Pfft_ Brat. Who are you calling me a kid! Let’s go Chanyeol.” Baekhyun pulled Chanyeol (who was pulling the sleepy Jongin) and marched somewhere into the food store.

The youngest lets out a chuckle, until he felt a sudden pain on his ears caused by Suho pulling it. “ _Ouch_!” he rubbed the pain out of his ears while looking betrayed at the leader. “What did I say about being childish, Oh Sehun? After you are done, apologize to Baekhyun, alright?”

Sehun pouted but soon his pouty lips turned into a grin. “Only if you come with me.”

Suho looked at him in disbelief but he ended up breaking into a fond smile and his hand goes to rub Sehun’s ear, the place where he had pulled.

“ _Childish.”_ he mouthed.

 

Making sure the managers aren’t following (or looking), Sehun pulled the leader by his wrist. They were already in the private area, free from the cameras and fans, Sehun’s heart was beating so loudly that it’s a wonder Suho haven’t heard the sound of his thumping heart. What he was about to do was probably not a good idea, but he thought this was the best for them all.

Just as they were standing in front of the toilet door, there was a bright yellow note on the door that said “ _Out of Order_ ”. The shorter frowned but Sehun had expected this as it was going according to plan.

_I hope you’re in there Yifan hyung._

He grabbed Suho’s elbow and turned him around. With a heavy heart, Sehun whispered a soft ‘ _I’m sorry, hyung’_ before kissing the older’s temple and pushed him through the toilet door.

Suho squeaked as he was pushed back, his back colliding with the bathroom door, causing it to open and was pushed again further in. “Sehun! Wha-?”

The door was slammed shut and Suho was stunt for a moment. “Sehun?”

No response.

He tried to pull the damn door but Sehun was much stronger on the other side.

“Sehun, this is not the time for prank, now get me out of here! Our flight will be delayed if you –”

 

“ _Junmyeon_ …”

Upon hearing his name, he spun behind so quickly feeling terrified.

He’s not alone.

“Wh-Who’s there?” he half screamed. Eyes wandering, scanning around the bathroom looking for another presence. Just then, he saw a silhouette of a tall man with dark hair comes out from one of the cubicle. “It’s just me, Jun..”

Junmyeon’s hand immediately covered his mouth, surpassing his gasp as he looked away from the tall figure. _No. No. What is he doing here?_ If his heart was already beating so fast, right at that moment, his heart could fly out his chest due to it thumping at a mad pace. There’s a sudden ache he felt in his heart, he turned towards the door and knocking it harder.

“ _Sehunnie_ , please! Don’t do this to me. How could you?!” When he sensed Yifan was stepping closer, his voice raised an octave. “ _Baby_ , if you open up, I won’t be mad at you. Let’s forget what I saw or what you planned. _Please_..” and across the other side, Sehun who was pulling the door, in order for Suho to not escape, let’s a tear rolled down on his face as he hears the leader’s plea.

Different story with the tall figure. He bit his lip as he saw the shorter trying to escape. His heart broke at the view of Suho avoiding to confront him, did he despise him that much? Was he such a horrible person to make Suho feel like this?

Not taking more of this, Kris pulled Suho by his arm to face him. “Will you stop and listen to me? Please?”

Ignoring the pain in his chest after hearing that voice again, he lets out a shaky breath. Eyes still not meeting together. “You’re not supposed to be here.”

“Well, I’m here now. I need to see you.”

Suho’s eyes finally met his. “ _Why_?” he croaked.

“Because you need me.”

As soon as Suho sank in the four words, his confusion was soon replaced with sudden anger. His eyebrows furrowed and he tugged his hands away harshly only for it to be caught again. “That’s _bullshit_! I’m doing fine without you!”

Taken aback by the sudden change of atmosphere, Kris hold onto Junmyeon’s hand tighter. “Oh really? Then, how can you explain the phone call a month ago? I tried to get hold of you for a month, Junmyeon! You can’t just call me like that and when I tried to call you, and suddenly we are back to square one!”

It’s true, after Sehun left that morning, he checked his phone and there were many calls from Kris. When all of his memories recovered about that night, he felt humiliate; like he had made a fool out of himself. Never will he speak nor confront Yifan ever again, or so he thought..

“I….It was a mistake, Yifan. Just…Let’s pretend that never happened.”

“You wha- Hell no! I didn’t come this far to pretend like that night never happened or in fact today never happened!” Kris fumed.

It wasn’t until Suho was really twisting his hand, trying to get away from Kris’ hold that the taller finally let go. Suho rubbed his aching wrist as he shot a glare at the taller. “Do you have any idea what you are putting yourself into? Putting me into, as well as the members. If you are to be discovered, this company will end not only you, but our freedom. And things will be harder! Do you not think?!”

“We won’t I promise you! Look, Junmyeon please listen to me. I know you are angry at me and I got to be honest I am too with you. But we need each other, right now—”

Kris was interrupted by Suho’s scoff.

“I need you?....You need me? That’s right Wu Yifan, I need you that night when I called you! I needed you the most because I was so close to become a broken doll. I needed hope, I needed assurance! And you…blew me away.” He whimpered the last part.

“ Look, I’m sorry! You have been a dick to me and how am I supposed to control myself from lashing out on you!”

“Was me crying not enough of a notice?! Damn it, Yifan! I’m sorry I was an asshole to you but this is the reason why. Every time I think about you, you trigger the angriness out of me! Every time I thought of us, my heart cracked.” By this time, Suho was already crying in his hand and the image scared Yifan’s heart.

The taller stepped closer to straddle Suho’s face in his hands, caressing it with his thumbs. “No, no,no,no don’t please. I don’t want that. I want you to trust me. I know it’s selfish but please, let’s do this again. Like old times, I tell you my stories, you tell me yours. I don’t want your heart cracking.”

Upon hearing the last statement, Suho let out a bitter laugh. Too bitter and Kris was surprised to hear it. He took Kris’ hands off his face slowly as his inched closer to the latter’s ear and whispered “The problem is…….There’s no crack anymore. I’m already broken into pieces….All in that one particular day”

 Those words left Kris speechless for some moment and without him realizing, Suho had already walk away from him before turning to him again.

“You want me to tell you? Nothing has gone near what I want! I’m not enough and I will never be. _You_ always said the opposite but ever since you left, things keep proving what I believe is untrue. I did everything I could, I dance, I sing, I act, but none of them was appreciated and it wasn’t anyone’s fault but me. I was born talentless, why did SM even picked me? Tell me Kris?! _Tell me_?!”

“ _Junmyeon_..” Yifan tried to reach him but Suho stepped away.

“It was because of pity, Yifan! I…… wanted to do better. Be better. But…..all I am just….a useless doll… a broken one now as a matter of fact……. Why am I still here in Exo? Yifan, I want to leave. I want to see everyone feel restless because I’m not there…but…it won’t make any difference… Anyone can replace my spot. And that’s the truth. Anyone can sing my part and I bet people will praise those who took my part. Anyone can fill in my dance place. And people took me as an actor merely to make it famous and not …because I deserve an acting role….”

“Yifan, you….can’t tell me otherwise anymore… I feel broken now….I’ll just keep living till there’s nothing left for me…there’s nothing left _in_ me to use them..….Why are you here?? I was numb for a few days but why do you have to hurt me again. Please, let’s not see each other again for this matter.”

 

 

When he is done pouring everything, he faced and knocked on the door, requesting Sehun to open up and saying that he was done with Yifan. While Yifan was still speechless, the _maknae_ opened the door up with a guilty face and met with Suho’s disappointed look. Quickly, the taller of the two looked down, away from the leader’s glare.

“I don’t know what to say to you, Oh Sehun but I really can’t stand what you did.” Suho sighed out and walked pass him. Sehun cast a worried glance at Kris and he knew the confrontation that went in there didn’t go well. Also, Suho’s voice was loud enough for it to be heard through the door. “Don’t give up, hyung. You won’t, right?”

After recovering, Kris finally nodded. “I won’t. _Never_. You too, okay?” Sehun only hummed in agreement. Before he closed the bathroom door, he smiled to Kris one last time. “It’s nice to see you again, hyung.”

_Me too, Sehun-ah_

 

 

The plane ride was so awkward. Suho was trying his best to sit further away from Sehun, he had bribe Jongin with another chicken set to make Jongin sit next to him. But of course, no one can avoid Sehun’s request when he had forced Jongin to swap seats with him.(Jongin still possessed the chicken set).

Throughout the whole ride Sehun didn’t say anything to Suho, but the younger had tried several attempts in holding his hand. Suho avoided Sehun’s hand but eventually sighed in defeat as he doesn’t want to upset the younger any further. How can he be angry at Sehun for a long time when Sehun only wants the best for him? So, Suho end up resting his head on Sehun’s shoulders, nuzzling into the crook of the taller’s neck as sleep finally taking a toll out of him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back in the airport, Kris was waiting for his ride to come. Surprisingly, no fan had caught him. Not even one, and he was grateful for that. But his mind lingers to Suho’s words.

_“I’m already broken into pieces….All in that one particular day”_

He sighed in his hands. He hated to think that he was too late; he knew he still have a chance to fix Suho. Giving up wasn’t an option so he looked at the flight schedule screen. _So you’re heading to Japan…_ He got up and immediately called his manager.

“ _Ge_ , book me a flight in two days to Japan.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To this point, where they have arrived to Japan, everyone stood silent. The members could sense the stiff aura between Sehun and Suho, so they did what they do best when situation like this occurs….

 

They avoid.

 

All six of them had already picked their partners for their respective hotel rooms. Chen had cling to their managers and made his way into sharing room. Suho hissed when Sehun doesn’t let go of his hand, indicating that he doesn’t want to room with anyone other than Suho. He pulled his hand away from Sehun as he entered their shared room.

Bracing himself, Sehun entered too and cleared his throat. “Hyung..Talk to me, _please_ ”

“Sehun…” Suho gritted out while laying his stuff on their queen size bed. “Let’s not do this tonight.”

“Why won’t you tell me anything? I’m always here for you but you’re never going to trust me. At least trust someone, please”. Still feeling so much frustrations, Suho turned around and glowered at Sehun “I’m just fine!” he insisted but Sehun knew better so he shouted back.“You’re not!”

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, OH SEHUN?!”

“FOR YOU TO LET PEOPLE IN THAT FUCKING HEART OF YOURS!” Sehun exploded, formalities were already gone as he finally lost his temper.

 

“….”

 

Suho didn’t say anything. He didn’t expected Sehun to use vulgar words at this time, but then again he understands his frustration. He spun around away from the taller and goes to reach his bag, searching for his towel ( ignoring Sehun).

Heaving out a dejected sigh, Sehun dropped himself on the soft bed. “Hyung..loook, I’m sor—”

“Everything, Sehun…. _everything_ …” the leader cuts him off.

“What?”

Suho straightened his back and Sehun mirrored his actions.“Look at me in the eye, and tell me I’m the most handsome, tell me I sing the best, tell me I’m very good at dancing, tell me my acting is as good as Kyungsoo’s!”

“Hyung..what—”

“You’re going lie to me too! Just like what everyone did. You’re going to laugh at me for being talentless, not visual-worthy. And –and all that’s left for me is….nothing”

Sehun stayed quiet for a few minutes and Suho internally begs Sehun with his eyes to say something. He didn’t exactly tell out everything, but he thought he doesn’t have to because Sehun probably had heard most of it during his outburst with Kris.

Out of the blue, Suho yelped when he felt Sehun wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him into the taller’s embrace. Suho was fitted in the gap between Sehun’s leg as the younger buried his face on the latter’s chest.

“Hyung….I’m not good at comforting people, you know that but, I’ll be honest with you.” Sehun pulled back his head just enough to look up at the leader, “You can’t dance as well as Jongin, true, but most of us can’t too. Your voice is honestly beautiful in its own way, and our fans, some of them even prefer your voice over the vocal line. And you’re the most handsome person I’ve ever met since I stepped into the company’s building. Didn’t I tell you that over and over? So why won’t you believe so? Your acting… I’m not much of a good actor so I can’t judge you but _hyung_ this is what you call baby steps. Please don’t let all of the negativity get to you.”

“If you still don’t believe me and still think you’re talentless, then look at me, hyung. What am I?” Sehun continued.

Suho immediately shook his head as he brought the younger’s head closer to his chest. The youngest has always been sensitive when it comes to his personal talent as an idol because Suho knew, that their antis are always questioning Sehun’s purpose in the group. “No no no Sehun. You can’t compare us both.”

“Why _not_? If we are talking about talent, I’m lacking in many things. I couldn’t sing at all. My rap skills are not even as good as Chanyeol’s. Baekhyun or Chen could easily cover me. I’m replaceable.”

“No, you’re not! Don’t say that.”

“Why?” Sehun questioned again.

Suho sighed as brought his fingers to brush Sehun’s locks. “No one can replace your whining ass, I wouldn’t trade anyone for you. Our love for you is not replaceable. You will always be our youngest in the group and our life would be so much different. I…prayed the Heavens that I don’t have to find out what that feels like.” He can feel Sehun chuckled on his chest. Glancing down, he met Sehun’s pleading eyes.

“Then, why won’t you apply that to yourself? What is the difference between you and me?” Sehun begged to differ.

_The difference is I’m not strong anymore. I don’t know how to be._

 

“What do you want me to do, _Sehunnie_?”

 

The sitting man entangled himself and rose up to his feet. “To try and let us in your heart. Me, the members, the people around you who take genuine care for you.” he said softly. For Suho, This is the hard step. Letting people in. Suho wanted to refuse but the desperation in Sehun’s expression, he just can’t. It took a long time for Suho to finally nod in defeat as he murmured “ _I’ll try_. Didn’t I promise?”

Seemingly satisfied with that answers, Sehun leaned down and pecked Suho on his forehead before heading to his luggage to unpack. Finally, their argument was done, but Suho can still feel a bit of hesitation in his heart.

 

 

After a couple of days since the argument, Suho and Sehun were back to normal and the other members exhaled in relief. The members did questioned Suho as to why Suho was looking rather upset lately, and his eyes met Sehun in amid of all stares. Sehun sent him an encouraging look to Suho, and even though he feels like it’s a burden to open up to everyone, he had promised Sehun to try.

Defeated, he decided to tell the members just a small part of his insecurities. He hated it. He hated it when the members sent him worried glances and also those sorry looks. But the members had all assured him and gave him comforting words that manage to put a smile on his face. Baekhyun had shared some of his worst case of depression back in 2014 and even the quiet Minseok manage to let out that night. Part of him feels better, but not _alright_.

He still can’t bring his confidence back or to love himself like he did back then. After all, he is already and still is broken.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“ _Hey_ ” Suho heard a soft familiar whisper near his ear so he turned around and found Sehun looking at him with an uncertain smile. He tilted his head in confusion. “Hey what’s wrong?”

The taller bit his lips as he reached out for Suho’s hand. “You know, Yifan hyung……He cares about you. Probably as much as I do, and I still think, you should talk to him.”

 “You’re telling me to meet Kris?” Suho deadpanned. “Aren’t I’m trying enough?”

“It is! It is, _God_ , it is. I’m selfish to ask for more but hyung, it all started from Yifan hyung and if you could settle everything with him, then it’ll be easier of a progress than a suffering to try.”

Sehun squeezed his hand tighter. “I want you to be happy, hyung” he continued, head held low.

After a few minutes of deliberating, he finally made up his mind. “Is he here?”

“Hmm?” the taller looked up.

“Yifan… Is he here in Japan?” Sehun carefully nod and Suho breathed out.

“Tell him I will. And….…also tell him to not get caught. It’ll be nasty for us.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a blink of an eye, it was their last day in Japan. Which also means it is the day that he will be confronting with Kris again. It would be a lie if he said he wasn’t feeling dubious about encountering him, but Sehun had a point. To add in, he too felt like enough is enough. He was dead beat at this long feud when actually, it was none of their faults.

Suho took out his phone to stare at his wallpaper. Without realizing, a small loving smile formed on his lips as 12 smiling faces greeted him. It was a picture during the last episode of EXO Showtime where the staff had took their picture clandestinely. He remembered that day as if it was yesterday and no words could describe how important and precious those moments were. _How did we all become like this_ …

But….they all didn’t have to break apart. Some part of him wants to gather all of them back together in one room. If it weren’t for the company, he would have.

Eventually, everyone will have to move on. And he, he have to move on too like everyone else did. Maybe after this talk with Kris, they don’t have to dislike each other anymore. _Tskk_ … Suho doesn’t think he hated Kris anymore. He had come to a conclusion that he had forgiven Kris a long time ago. When he saw Kris the other day, he felt angry and scared, but after some thought of it, he did sense a longing feeling for Kris in him. If what Kris’ words were true; that they want to go back to old times, that he wants Suho to trust him, then why is his heart being doubtful?

It was already the time. The time to forget the past and move forward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kris had texted Suho where to meet and the place ended up to be Kris’ friend’s house. The house was a semi-D house that has an indoor pool and Suho wished that he could own a place like this someday. Kris’ friend had fetched him from the hotel he stayed in and brought him to the said house. As he approached the pool, he saw Kris who were sitting by the pool, had his legs dipped in the cold water.

Without further thinking, Suho mirrored his actions; sat beside Yifan while his legs too were dipped in the pool.

“Hey” he started, trying to sound as casual as possible because he didn’t want the same scenario to happen all over again.

“Hey, _gorgeous_.” Yifan had teased him, in attempt to liven up the mood (it worked) earning a snort from Suho and soon a chuckle. The taller broke into a grin as the sound of Suho’s laughter melodiously flowed into his ears.

He missed this.

“Look at us, conversing like a civil person.”

“Isn’t it better than running away, Jun?” Kris retorted and immediately the atmosphere changed. It wasn’t tense; the aura around them was just blue. Suho thought to himself for a while. His eyes were focused on the beautiful waves in the pool.

_It is._

That moment, Suho was so sure that he didn’t want to feel morose anymore just by thinking about Kris. Not when they could have been so happy with each other’s company. He glanced back to Kris and took the latter’s hand as he mouthed ‘ _I’m sorry’._ The older’s eyes widened before turning his body fully facing Suho and just like what he used to do back in the days, he brought their faces close together.

“You worth a lot, Junmyeon. More than you think. These people, these people that made you feel worthless, don’t live for them. Live for the loved ones, live for the guys, for your parents, for me. They want to see the talent in you but we, we don’t want your talent or your hard work to become an idol, we want your presence. If you leave, sure they’re going to replace you, just like they did with me, Luhan and Tao, but do you think they care about that? They’re going to long your presence, your whining, and your smile just like how I long for you and the boys every single day.”

Yifan pressed their foreheads together and continued. “Junmyeon, I’m sorry I went off just like that. It was selfish of me but it was for the best and it would make everything easier for all of us. You know how they treated me, how they treated us and our boys. I had to go so they would finally see the light that they were actually torturing us. And all of you are so _fucking_ strong for staying. So please, be happy in what you are doing. I know you are happy just by being on the TV, so enjoy every single moment. Even if you feel like you don’t deserve the opportunity but you _deserve_ to be happy and that should wash away your doubts. Don’t live to satisfy others, don’t live to satisfy the company or even the fans. Satisfy yourself and that’s when you feel contended of your hard work. Because only you know how much you have worked so hard.”

Suho’s heart was aching as he heard Yifan’s words. And not only Kris’ words, also Sehun’s and the other members’ words echoes in his head. He doesn’t want to feel like this anymore. He wants to be fine. He doesn’t want to be broken anymore. But why is it so hard to make things as they were again?

Tears were already flowing down his cheeks and without more ado, he sobbed into the giant’s chest. The painful cries were like an arrow passing through Kris’ chest. How can he forgive himself for making Suho shed tears like this? All this while he thought Suho was an awful person for being caught up with his ego, turns out to be so _fucking_ vulnerable and soft that was so easy to be break. If he had knew this back then, he would’ve not given up trying to reach for Suho.

After some time, the smaller pulled away and wiped his tears with his sleeve. “I….. I don’t think I can get rid of these insecurities. It may act up again. I’m not saying that what you said to me was a waste, it did make me feel better but….no one can relate to me you know?”

These words caused Kris to frown and Suho immediately continues as he doesn’t want Yifan to get the wrong idea.

“But there’s more in life than I think. I might be numb already, I don’t know. I had break, Yifan. Even if yours and Sehun’s words had glued me together, but I will break again.”

“Then I’ll glue you again and again! The ones close to you will. We won’t let you break again. I will be there for you, if you let me!”

“Yifan, don’t.. I can’t rely on you again.” he croaked and Kris shook his head. “You don’t have to. I’m always here. The boys too. They’re your family. They’re not just business, Junmyeon. Live making memories with them because it’s worth it.”

Suho nodded aggressively as he leaned forward to wrap his arms around the taller. The taller’s long fingers goes to caress the younger’s hair and sighed in relief, hoping for Suho to love himself the way he remembered Suho once did.

Before pulling away from the embrace, Yifan kissed on the side of Junmyeon’s face; both of their hands were clasped together.

 _Maybe this is alright_ , Junmyeon thought. Maybe, if he tries hard enough, he’ll able to love himself like he used too. Just in a zap he loses his self confidence, but earning it back again needs a lot of hard work. But if the boys were willing to help him on his feet, than who was he to give up on himself?

 

 

“So what do you want to do now?”

Suho hummed for a while before answering. “Like what you said, I want to live my life in contentment. I’ll never stop working hard, I don’t think I can. It’s been my way of living so I won’t stop. I’m not going to do for the sake of credits, no. Probably just going to do whatever that makes me happy. I’ll try. I promised Sehun I’ll try.”

“That’s good then. I’m glad to hear that.”

Suho chose to continue. “Again, I can’t get rid of these insecurities or forget it. I’ll try replacing them with beautiful memories. It sounds cheesy, I know but it’s worth a try. For the sake of being better. And…I want you to be in those memories too, you know.”

Kris grinned like there’s no tomorrow as he caressed the latter’s gentle hands. “Once I win the lawsuit, I’ll make sure we _all_ can meet.”

“You think we can do that? Even after you win?” Suho asked in disbelief.

“Are you kidding me? Didn’t you see how Hangeng and Heechul are now? They are still best buddies and all.”

“ _Hmmm_ …….I hope so” Suho replied, closing his eyes as he tilted his head backwards, his face was facing the sky. He was smiling. A smile that is ever so beautiful and genuine.

Meanwhile by his side, Kris was watching Suho with full of love and contentment filling his heart. He never regretted leaving. Not once. What he did regret was leaving Suho on his own. His selfishness had caused this precious man to a downhill path, and he _will_ pull Suho up, with the help from the rest of the boys. He hoped Suho will get better. Not only Suho, but all of them will. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Your love ones won’t change you, but they will motivate you to make progress for the better. This is my promise to you. To make you smile._

 

 

 

 

 

 

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a/n: This is my first fic and I'm sorry for any grammatical errors. ^^  Thank you for reading!


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